After recently releasing a new track, Eminem has stirred rumors about a comeback, but he first has a memoir to publish. The new book, titled The Way I Am: A Tale of Self-Love, is expected by Eminem to comfort the world and explain his long and painful absence from our lives.

The memoir, to be released October 28, will contain long-winded details about his early careers as a “factory floor sweeper and short-order cook” will likely bring hope to ignorant and semi-retarded white Floridians who cite Eminem’s dirtball-to-greaseball Cinderella story as an inspiration.

Says Eminem, “These four years have been especially hard on my fans, which is everyone in the world. Four years is a long time to not publish songs that glorify murder, domestic violence, and drug use. And frankly, in the last four years, many of my fans have died off or gone to jail because they’ve subscribed to my world view, so it’s time to draw some newcomers into the market.”

Referring to the 2006 death of his friend/criminal/rapper Proof, Eminem said “I have never felt so much pain in my life. It’s a pain that is with me to this day.” He continued, “Sure, Proof was a horrible person whose actions throughout his life probably inflicted a similar pain on many, but in my mind, he was a great person. Sensible people might be glad that he’s dead—and wish the same on me—but I respectfully disagree.”