President Obama, the liberal media announced this morning, has won the Nobel Peace Prize®.
The third sitting president to receive the award, Obama is honored by the bestowal and, frankly, a little relieved. “I am honored by the bestowal and, frankly, a little relieved. Maybe now people will forget that I couldn’t bring the 2016 Olympics to the United States,” the president probably said. “Also, it’s great to get the recognition because I was worried that I wasn’t really doing anything. Clearly, that can’t be true. They don’t just give these things out for political reasons to show predecessors just how much the international community didn’t like them.”
The announcement of Obama, who had not been previously mentioned as a front-runner, came as a shock to many conservatives, who’d believed Nazi Socialist Muslims to be ineligible for the prize. According to the Nobel selection board, however, the process is quite complex: first, the Norwegian parliament elects a five-person committee to oversee the decision, who then confer with specially appointed advisers. The selection process can last as long as a year, during which time the committee consults various psychics, life coaches, and Magic Eight Ballsâ„¢ for advice. Finally, the winner is chosen based on an elaborate, winner-take-all game of Scrabble®. Obama’s victory is said to have resulted from committee member Morgan Jergen Fjorgen ending up with a tray of only vowels during the game’s final round.
There are some, however, who think that the prize, including its $1.4 million cash purse (which Obama has elected to collect in $70,000 installments over the next twenty years), was unjustly awarded. Political analyst Terrence Peelerbottom has an answer for the naysayers: “Sure, everything Obama’s doing, [George W.] Bush did first. Bush was president first, he failed at fighting wars on two fronts first, and he did nothing about the environment first. In a sense, Bush has a leg up on Obama. But there’s one major difference between the two men. Obama attempted to blow up the moon, and that’s pretty fucking awesome.”
Bush could not be reached, but an anonymous source said that he was pretty bummed. “President Bush worked really hard on his WMD sculpture made out of Popsicle sticks. It was supposed to be a gift to the people of Iraq. He thought he was a shoo-in for the prize.” According to the source, Bush worked on a second project: a volcano that, when vinegar is poured into its craterous vent, a frothy liquid bubbles out. “At this point,” the source said, “[the former president would] be happy with a participation ribbon, but, when we called the Nobel committee, they acted like they didn’t know what we were talking about. They were all like, Blue blah blee, blorgen. That’s the Swedish for ya!”
Past prize winners have welcomed Obama to their elite club. 2005 Peace Prize recipient and chief of the International Atomic Energy Agency Mohamed ElBaradei had this to say: “I could not think of anybody who is more deserving.” That sentiment is one that was undoubtedly shared by the Nobel committee.
ElBaradei later frantically called our offices with what he described as a “long list” of people more deserving whom he had just thought of, but we could not be bothered to include it by press time.